Men and Women

Original Text: 
J. K. Stephen, Lapsus Calami, new edn. (Cambridge: Macmillan and Bowes, 1891), pp. 63-67. PR 5473 S4L3 1891 Robarts Library.
2I met a woman whom I did not like.
3I did not like the way the woman walked:
4Loose-hipped, big-boned, disjointed, angular.
5If her anatomy comprised a waist,
6I did not notice it: she had a face
7With eyes and lips adjusted thereunto,
8But round her mouth no pleasing shadows stirred,
9Nor did her eyes invite a second glance.
10Her dress was absolutely colourless,
11Devoid of taste or shape or character;
12Her boots were rather old, and rather large,
13And rather shabby, not precisely matched.
14Her hair was very far from beautiful
15And not abundant: she had such a hat
16As neither merits nor expects remark.
17She was not clever, I am very sure,
18Nor witty nor amusing: well-informed
19She may have been, and kind, perhaps, of heart;
20But gossip was writ plain upon her face.
21And so she stalked her dull unthinking way;
22Or, if she thought of anything, it was
24Or Mrs So-and-So a second child.
25I did not want to see that girl again:
26I did not like her: and I should not mind
27If she were done away with, killed, or ploughed.
28She did not seem to serve a useful end:
29And certainly she was not beautiful.
##. ON THE KING'S PARADE.
1As I was waiting for the tardy tram,
2I met what purported to be a man.
3What seemed to pass for its material frame,
4The semblance of a suit of clothes had on,
5Fit emblem of the grand sartorial art
6And worthy of a more sublime abode.
7Its coat and waistcoat were of weird design
8Adapted to the fashion's latest whim.
10White flannels draped its too ethereal limbs
11And in its vacant eye there glared a glass.
12  In vain for this poor derelict of flesh,
13Void of the spirit it was built to house,
14Have classic poets tuned their deathless lyre,
15Astute historians fingered mouldering sheets
16And reared a palace of sententious truth.
17In vain has y been added unto x,
18In vain the mighty decimal unrolled,
19Which strives indefinitely to be π
20In vain the palpitating frog has groaned
21Beneath the licensed knife: in vain for this
22The surreptitious corpse been disinterred
23And forced, amid the disinfectant fumes,
24To yield its secrets to philosophy.
25In vain the stress and storm of politics
26Beat round this empty head: in vain the priest
28In vain remarks upon the fact that God
29Is missing in the world of his belief.
30Vain are the problems whether space, or time,
31Or force, or matter can be said to be:
34  It had a landlady I make no doubt;
35A friend or two as vacant as itself;
36A kitchen-bill; a thousand cigarettes;
37A dog which knew it for the fool it was.
39Who votes as often as he does not speak,
40And "recommends" as wildly as he spells.
41Its income was as much beyond its merits
42As less than its inane expenditure.
43Its conversation stood to common sense
45To wit or humour. It was seldom drunk,
46But seldom sober when it went to bed.
47  The mean contents of these superior clothes
48Were they but duly trained by careful hands,
49And castigated with remorseless zeal,
50Endowed with purpose, gifted with a mind,
51And taught to work, or play, or talk, or laugh,
52Might possibly aspire--I do not know--
53To pass, in time, for what they dare to scorn,
54An ordinary undergraduate.
55  What did this thing crawling 'twixt heaven and earth,
56Amid the network of our grimy streets?
57What end was it intended to subserve,
58What lowly mission fashioned to neglect?
59It did not seem to wish for a degree,
60And what its object was I do not know,
61Unless it was to catch the tardy tram.

Notes

1] Title: an allusion to Robert Browning's book of verse portraits of the same name (1855).
The Backs were gardens and meadows on the Cam River in Cambridge, England. Back to Line
23] a second class: degree of lesser merit (cf. the standard fare on British trains). Back to Line
1] the King's Parade: the main street in Cambridge.
tram: street-car. Back to Line
9] Athenæum: a popular name for men's clubs. Back to Line
27] anathemas: curses. Back to Line
32] Melchisedec: the priest of Jerusalem who served Abraham. Back to Line
33] Methuselah: ancient Biblical man who lived 969 years. Back to Line
38] the Union: the Cambridge student collective. Back to Line
44] Sporting Times: popular British newspaper. Back to Line
Publication Start Year: 
1891
Publication Notes: 
Granta June 1891
RPO poem Editors: 
Ian Lancashire
RPO Edition: 
RPO 1997.
Form: